Posts tagged: sex

Body Map, part two

By , March 6, 2012 3:13 pm

Part One of this writing exercise is here.

Feet and a flower

No fair! My feet didn't come with a flower!

Below the waist. My feet, like my hands, are slightly bigger than I’d like, hairier than I’d like, but I can’t really complain. They’re not huge, it’s occasionally obnoxious to find shoes in my size but never impossible, and hair removal has thinned much of the worst growth. I still have some patches around my ankles that I need to shave when I shave my legs, but no body is perfect. My legs rival my chest and face for the most dramatic success of hair removal. I shave my legs, much more in warm months, but don’t grow the same thick brambly forest that I used to. As of today, I haven’t shaved my legs in at least a month, and while they’re hairy compared to my shaved-this-morning face, they’re night and day compared to when I was in high school, pre hormones and hair removal. My legs are, like my arms, places of strength. I don’t run – it hurts my knees – but I bike and walk and swim and climb ropes and trees and lovers. I’ve been working on strengthening my hips, something a physical therapist said would help my knees, but don’t have much to complain about.

At the same time, my legs and arms have shrunk the most over the course of my transition. I joke that, since going on hormones, I’ve gone up two cup sizes without gaining any weight. All that mass, my previously mentioned boobs, had to come from somewhere – lots of it came from now-departed muscle mass in my arms and legs. I’m still stronger than lots of my girl friends, who knows whether as a result of testosterone or simply genetics, but decidedly less strong than I was before hormones. I’m not complaining, however, other than the occasional struggle at circus or the gym. But no pain, no gain. Or something.

Continue reading 'Body Map, part two'»

Sex, sexuality, and surgery

By , December 12, 2011 1:34 pm

No one looks like they're enjoying this situation, to be honest

In Which A Question Is Asked

What does it mean to be a sexual trans person? A sexual trans woman?

Sidenote: I’m looking for my copy of Fucking Trans Women, an awesome e-zine available at http://fuckingtranswomen.com/. I know I bought and downloaded it, but am having trouble finding it. I emailed the site owners, tho, and hopefully they’ll be willing to send me another copy. At the very worst, I can spare another $5 for their great project.

Back on topic, I think being trans and sexual is tough for me (gonna try to use ‘I’ statements in this post, and not make generalizations) in part due to the huge variety of mixed messages I’ve received over the last 27 years. I’m sure I’m missing some categories, but here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • Messages about male sexuality, even though I didn’t identify as male
  • Messages about female sexuality, which I picked up even though I wasn’t yet presenting as female
  • Messages about heterosexual sexuality, mainly from when I was presenting as a straight male
  • Messages about queer sexuality, both before and after I came out
  • Messages about specifically lesbian sexuality, again from both before and after I came out
  • And last-but-never-least, messages about specifically trans sexuality, limited primarily to ‘chicks with dicks’ and ‘she-male’ porn

Continue reading 'Sex, sexuality, and surgery'»

Review: Bum Buddies ‘Tease My Tush’

By , March 23, 2011 9:56 pm
BRIGHT ORANGE!

Yes, the packaging is kinda stupid.

My last two sex toy reviews were, alas, of sub-par products. Too expensive, too loud, too battery-eating, too ridiculous. But at last, with the Bum Buddies Tease My Tush (hereafter referred to as the BB) I think we have a winner!

I gotta say, I was skeptical when the BB arrived at my doorstep. The name, the packaging, the color – none filled me with a sense of confidence. (Not that “confidence” is what a sex toy should fill you with, ifyouknowwhatimean.) But the MSRP, $16-18, isn’t too bad and – unlike some other toys I’ve tested – the front and back oft he packaging note that it’s made of silicone, is phthalate free, can be cleaned with soap and water and/or boiled and/or placed on the top rack of the dishwasher. (My roommates have yet to let me do that last one…)

So while the color and packaging were kinda silly, the actual information on the packaging was reassuring. Imagine that! And the package was easy to open!

The BB feels nice and silicone-y to the touch. You can see the small manufacturing seam running down the middle if you look, but it seems to be pretty well made and I wasn’t worried about it falling apart. Honestly, I was more worried about not feeling a thing, or having it slip out right away. But, thinking happy thoughts, I lubed up and got to work.

Continue reading 'Review: Bum Buddies ‘Tease My Tush’'»

Finding other voices

By , March 22, 2011 8:55 pm

One of the many fabulous people I met in DC was Sadie, who writes over at The Distant Panic. We were chatting for a bit today online, and I was asking Sadie about her experience in porn. Specifically, I’ve thought a lot about how my experience in circus has made me more aware of how awesome a comfort in reclaiming and displaying one’s body can be. That has led me to seriously consider taking burlesque classes, for similar reasons of personal/physical empowerment[1]. I was also talking with her about a recent hookup with another trans woman, my first such experience[2]. She directed me to two of her posts, “The Best of Both Worlds”: My Submission to Fucking Trans Women #1 and Sex work is real work. Even if it *is* exploitation. Both are worth a serious read, I’d say for everyone but particularly for anyone who has felt society says their body isn’t (and shouldn’t be!) sexy.

[1] Burlesque classes are definitely something I want to do as soon as I have the time/money, I promise. No, really, this isn’t an excuse! I’m going to take the classes!

[2] I’m not (yet?) up for talking about that on this blog, beyond the fact that it happened with lots of enthusiastic consent, is not a long-term relationship, and was lots of fun. Questions about that single sentence of this entire post will not be appreciated. I’m not up for talking about in this public forum, please don’t ask. If you really are interested, email me (as specified on my About page) for the password to the previous post.

Protected: A learning experience

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By , March 22, 2011 8:50 pm

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Yes, No, Maybe!

By , February 17, 2011 3:01 pm

From Becca’s SexBlog (no, not me Becca. A different Becca.) comes the Yes, No, Maybe chart, about sexual activities you would, wouldn’t, and might be interested in. The idea is for people (partners, in particular) to think about and discuss their boundaries. It’s an interesting list, ranging from the mundane (French kissing, food play) to the more unusual (toe sucking – apparently called “shrimping” – sex parties, vomit play, and more).

I have to say, there wren’t that many I would flat out refuse to do (and vomit play probably tops that list). It shouldn’t come as a big shocker to any regulars on this blog that I like sex, and am pretty open to experimentation. And, as a bonus, I got to learn the most amazing word ever, valprehend.

A delightful hookup

By , September 13, 2010 4:47 pm

Of the many fun things about the Fringe Festival, a great part was meeting a ton of people. Artists, volunteers, festival-goers, I got a chance to chat with ’em all. And, by happy coincidence, the venue I performed in was particularly queer-heavy, both in the subject of its performances and in its volunteer staff.

One of the people I met, we’ll call her E, expressed interest in getting drinks or coffee with me after the festival. I said I’d like to, because E is a cool person and I need more queer friends, but I definitely had the thought in the back of my mind that this might be asking me out on a date. Since I’d be happy either way – date or friendly socialization – I didn’t bother asking E to clarify. We set up a time and place to meet on Saturday night, and I tried not to over-think things. (“Things” being whether or not this was a date, what I was going to wear, how much makeup I needed, noticing while walking to the bar that – oh bugger – I forgot to put any on, and so on.)

When we met at the bar, E bought us both drinks and left her card with the bartender. I figured this was a good sign, but still tried not to over-think things. She then pulled out my chair for me and helped me remove my coat, at which point the signs became a little more clear. We chatted for the next hour or so, talking about the Fringe Festival, our previous and future artistic projects, our experiences living in Chicago, the ridiculous drunken people walking past the window; all the things you chat about with someone when you’re enjoying their company, getting to know them, and getting a little tipsy.

As we both worked on our third drinks (mine: a vodka cranberry, hers: a dirty martini) I realized I had almost reached the bottom of my glass while E had barely touched hers.  “E,” I asked, “are you trying to get me drunk?”

She looked at me. “Yes.”

Continue reading 'A delightful hookup'»

Enthusiastic Consent

By , August 26, 2010 1:13 pm
Hearing you say Yes really turns me on

Truth!

Slashdot recently had a story up about Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, being accused of rape (and the charges subsequently being dropped). Slashdot is a very male-dominated site, and any discussion of rape and sexuality usually turns to how men are unfairly targeted by rape accusations, and presumed guilty before any evidence is presented. I wasn’t expecting a horribly well-informed discussion, but I was surprised to come across a comment about Enthusiastic Consent. From the comment:

Here in the US they’ve coined a term for the PC way of going about sex: Enthusiastic Consent. [suite101.com] It is an outgrowth of the PC version of “No means No!” from the 1980’s. In the 80’s in the US they counseled college kids that they had get permission at each step of the way. They actually had role-playing seminars where you’d ask “is it OK if I touch you here?” “Is it OK if I kiss you there?” You really got the feeling that these people had never had a real sexual encounter in their lives, and wanted to make sure that nobody else did either.

The commenter goes on to talk about how the Enthusiastic Consent movement is attempting to create a world where “anything can be considered rape.” Way to misrepresent. My response is below.

As someone who is a fan of the Enthusiastic Consent model, I think you’re misrepresenting its goals. Specifically…

So this [idea of Enthusiastic Conset] has morphed into an “anything can be considered rape” model, where even getting an affirmative “yes” to each of these questions is not enough. The “yes” has to be truly enthusiastic to count. So telling a girl that you love her and want to have sex with her is rape – because you are exploiting your relationship. Have a couple of drinks together? Rape. Tell her “it’s Ok, everybody does it?” Rape. Know somebody who lives in a society that is OK with casual sexual encounters? Ooops, that might be social conditioning – better not try to hook up. ‘Cause that’s rape.

The idea of Enthusiastic Consent is not to rewrite rape legislation out of whole cloth. Rather, it’s to create a social movement where the healthy expectation is that sex should only occur between two people who enthusiastically consent to the activity. To use your example, saying “It’s OK, everybody does it” isn’t and shouldn’t be rape. But I’d sure say it’s an ethically questionable way to get someone in bed with you. Likewise for exploiting a relationship status, likewise for using somebodies social expectations of casual sexual encounters to pressure them into sex. Again, none of those situations are rape but they’re all situations in which the consent of one party was not given enthusiastically.

And as a woman who really enjoys having sex, surrounded by friends – male and female – who also enjoy having sex, why would I want any of us to be having sex that wasn’t consented to with enthusiasm!? Why would you ever want that for yourself, or your friends, or your children? There are enough things in my life that I’m only blase about, sex shouldn’t be one of them. And so no, Enthusiastic Consent does not mean that the situations you list somehow are transformed into rape. It does mean that they’re indicative of a society which sees little wrong with unenthusiastic sexual encounters, and argues that that’s a problem.

As a final note, you scoff at the idea of asking “is it OK if I touch you here?” “Is it OK if I kiss you there?” You don’t get to decide what level of consent your partner has offered. And if you don’t ask, you can’t know for sure.

The two replies, neither form the original commenter, continue to miss the point, that Enthusiastic Consent is less about legal reform than it is about social. Which is frustrating, but I felt good about chiming in and trying to correct the misconception.

What do y’all think about Enthusiastic Consent? Did I miss anything myself, or misunderstood some important point?

Consent Shirt

I sort of want to buy this shirt...

Feministe’s “My Sluthood, Myself.”

By , July 28, 2010 9:41 pm

Earlier this week, Feministe had a post titled My Sluthood, Myself. Its author, Jaclyn, talks about how casual sexual encounters have become a healthy and positive part of her life:

But it didn’t really matter [if the encounters were worth repeating]. Because sluthood isn’t an action, it’s a state of mind.

I’m telling you this because sluthood saved me. Sluthood gave me the time and space to nurse a shattered heart. It gave me a place where I could exist in pieces, some of me craving touch, some of me still too tender to even expose to the light. Sluthood healed the part of me that felt my body and my desires were grotesque after two years in a libido-mismatched partnership. Now I felt hot, wanted, powerful. My desire and enthusiasm was an asset, not an unintended weapon. Even now, with more time passed, now, when I am actually ready for and wanting a more emotional connection, sluthood keeps me centered. It keeps me from confusing desire and affection with something deeper. It means I have another choice besides celibacy and settling. It means I won’t enter another committed relationship just to satisfy my basic need for sex and affection. It gives me more choices, it makes room for relationships to evolve organically, to take the shape they will before anyone defines them.

It’s quite a read, and I highly recommend it.

Continue reading 'Feministe’s “My Sluthood, Myself.”'»

A confidence booster

By , July 7, 2010 12:28 am

I was making out with a girl this weekend at our apartment’s Fourth of July get-together. We were both rather drunk, and I wasn’t sure she knew I was trans. (Don’t worry – we were in my living room, with roommates at the other end of the apartment. It was a safe situation.) Her hands started exploring southwardly; I stopped her, asking, “You know I’m trans right?”

She paused. “No.” Another pause, leaving lots of room for me to start worrying about her eventual reaction. “So?”

And she leaned in for another kiss.

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