I was recently listening to the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, specifically the one with Joan Price. One of the things Joan mentioned was the idea of making a wish list for a partner, to help figure out what things are important when considering a relationship. In particular, she suggested thirty items, divided evenly into three categories:
- Mandatory, Must-Have, Can’t Live Without
- Pretty Darn Important, But I Have Some Flexibility
- As Long As I’m Asking, It’d Be Nice If…
I figured writing my own list along those lines couldn’t hurt, so here I go. These lists aren’t in a specific order, but they’re generally from most important to least important. Don’t hold me to that, though. Likewise, I’m not gonna force myself to get to ten in each category. Bla bla bla, disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer. Continue reading 'Wish list for a partner'»
As I previously mentioned, I’ve been dipping my toes into the world of listing myself as bi on OKCupid. I haven’t gone on any dates, or even exchanged phone numbers or anything, but have had a number of interesting conversations. I’m still annoyed with the propensity for men on OKC to simply star me (indicating they like my profile) or send meaningless messages like “Hi” or “Ur cute,” but it’s been an interesting experience. (In a good way.) One conversation in particular has been on my mind, though:
Well don’t you sound very interesting! 🙂 I’d really love a new transgender friend! I’d love to get a drink or maybe smoke a joint with you sometime, and see how well we click! :-). (Emphasis added)
There was more, about his open relationship and how he’s looking for friends and not necessarily hookups, but that’s the part that stuck with me.
Continue reading 'Affirmative action in friendships'»
I have an OK Cupid account. I’m not sure exactly when I signed up, but looking at old email notifications indicate I’ve had a profile for over two years. Online dating, in my mind, isn’t inherently “good” or “bad,” it’s just one more tool available for meeting people. Using it in such an eyes-open way, I’ve gone on a few dates and even had a few relationships lasting a couple of months, but nothing major or super long-term.
My profile explicitly lists that I’m trans:
DISCLOSURE: I am trans. If that’s a problem, don’t message me.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t think I’m under any obligation to provide the above disclaimer. However, I am waaay to lazy to deal with the coming out conversation at this point in my life, so am willing to deal with the ramifications of disclosure.
GEEK: The above disclosures and disclaimers were originally written as HTML-style tags, but OKC apparently edits fake tags out, leading to this final stylistic choice.
And that pretty much says it for me: My disclosure on OKC is as much a result of laziness as of politics. But recently I’ve started using OKC in a different way, as a self-esteem–booster and emotion-explorer. And to do that I’ve done something radical. Something crazy. Something I feel extremely conflicted about and am continually second-guessing. I’ve changed my profile from ‘Lesbian’ to ‘Bisexual.’
Continue reading 'Ohhhhh OKCupid – Online dating, sexuality, and self-esteem'»
When I’m single, Every six months or so I’ll get bored and post something to the Craigslist Personals section. Nothing long-term has ever come of it, but I’ve had some fun dates and an amusing time writing the ads. I again posted something a few nights ago, in which I mentioned I’m trans, and one of the responses was this:
Uh…maybe, just maybe you aren’t getting any action because you are a guy posting on WfW board?
Ever think of that?
You have every right to feel that you are female…more power to you. Go buy some heals and short skirts if it makes you feel better.
Anatomically though you are still a GUY.
I feel for you….really…you have my sympathy.
But no woman who is seeking another woman wants to date/hook up with anyone with your “equipment.”
Just a thought….
I generally try to assume good intent until proven otherwise. Also, I was bored when I received it, and willing to engage. (Perhaps foolishly so.) Here’s what I sent in response:
Thanks for the email. I’m going to assume honest ignorance, and that you’re really trying to help me out. While, as I said in my post, I haven’t had a ton of dating luck lately, I have dated (and hooked up with, and fucked) a number of women over the years. The majority of whom didn’t have a problem with my “equipment.” Many of whom identified as lesbian. And some of whom had never been with someone who had a penis. Part of the reason I’m open about my identity as trans in the CL post is to avoid people who aren’t interested in my equipment. Which is fine – I’m not trying to force myself on anyone.
But I do think you have a somewhat narrow definition of male and female (even if you’re looking at things anotomically
). I’m not intersex, but why should my dick win over my boobs as determining my gender? Likewise, if I’m out in public, people perceive me as female, not as male. Would a straight woman want that? (In my experience, no.)
So I made a conscious choice to post in the wfw section. I’ve already gotten a few positive responses, some of which I plan to follow up on. Because I do think I posted in the correct section, anatomy be damned.
You have a penis.
Therefore, you are a male.
Nobody sane would disagree with me.
Get off the women seeking women board. You are not a woman by any definition.
You are clearly a queer guy. You might not like it, but that’s what you are.
You’re imposing an identity.
Therefore you are a bigot.
Nobody sane would disagree with me.
Stop spreading your hatred. You are not a nice person by any definition.
You are clearly a mean person. You might not like it, but that’s what you are.
Isn’t the Internet fun?
I’m ambiguous about Dan Savage. I enjoy reading his sex advice column, Savage Love, and really get a kick out of his podcast as an exercise distraction. That said, I don’t always love him: He’s called a politician trans as part of a disagreement, he’s said trans folks have an obligation to out themselves to partners, and (as I’ve said before) his admittedly pretty great It Gets Better Project nonetheless leaves trans youth out.
For all that, a recent column of his had some advice I thought was well-stated. The letter itself is from a twenty five year old “trans-something/genderqueer,” who was asked out in a coffee shop after being called pretty. The main questions:
1. Was he way too creepy to go on that date?
2. Was agreeing to a date smart or dumb?
3. Am I acting out of desperation?
4. The great unanswerable: How do I get the giddy 13-year-old inside to grow up so the 25-year-old can navigate safely in the dating world?
And Dan’s answers:
Continue reading 'Credit to Dan Savage'»
Just got back from a second date with someone I met on OKCupid, and had a really good time. We first went to American Science & Surplus, a ridiculous store that has everything from microscopes to motors to smoke machines to science experiments. While there, we purchased two kites (to scientifically compare their usefulness) and then went to the lakefront to fly ’em. Alas, one of them – the dinosaur kite – had its string break, and was lost in the lake. But the other flew really well! We hung out on the sand for a while, being super flirty, before I took her home.
Happy Fourth! This has nothing to do with the 4th of July, but enjoy!
In a fit of frustration, I posted this to Craigslist a few nights ago, right before I went to bed:
SUBJECT: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
BODY: What the hell does a trans woman have to do to get laid around here? Or even just go on a date with a nice gal who isn’t crazy? I’m pretty confident that I’ll get some obnoxious replies to this, but what else is new?
Maybe I’ve spent too much time in the performing arts community (lots of gay guys, sadly fewer gay girls) but I’m sick and tired of A) seeing all my friends have these seemingly delightful little hookups and flings while I stand on the side, alone, and B) seeing all of these attractive, articulate, interesting women when there’s no possibility they’ll sleep with me! Or even date me. Or make out drunkenly in a hut tub.
And I’m sorry I’m trans. I really am. My dick has given me many pleasurable orgasms over the years, but it’s definitely not the equipment I’d have picked if given the choice. And surgery is scary, expensive, and means I might never be able to orgasm again. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!) So I get that while, politically and ideologically, we should be able to “see beyond what’s between our legs,” that’s asking for a lot back here in reality. So I’m not offended if my being trans means you, the one reading this post, is not interested in dating me. I understand that we’re all attracted to who we’re attracted to. (I will be offended if you’re a douche about it, though.) But I begin to feel like there’s a vast queer woman conspiracy out to keep me celibate when I strike out again and again and again. Continue reading 'A Craigslist adventure'»
Yay date! She brought me a flower and told me I’m cute. (A shameless liar, but I’ll allow it.) We both said we’d like to see each other again, and called it a night. Here’s a photo of what I wore:
I’ve had a link sitting in my ‘To Write About’ folder for a while: Reclaiming trans sexualities: A personal manifesto of sorts, from over at Questioning Transphobia. I’ve been wanting to respond to it, but haven’t been sure where to start. The post itself talks about the tangled relationship between the sexual and the political for many trans people:
When I began talking [about what I liked doing, sexually] I didn’t discuss the things lovers have done I’ve really liked or dynamics which I find hot, instead I found myself explaining my sometimes difficult relationship with cissexual queer women as a group and as individuals, the fucked-up attitudes about trans women I’ve encountered in various communities, the mistrust I have because of the history trans women have with cissexual queers – all of the things I write about and do activism on which intersect with sex, but I had nothing to say about the actual sex I have or would like to have. I stopped myself and apologized for not answering the question, then sat back to consider this sudden disheartening awareness of how deeply my sexuality is entangled with the politics in which I am active.
This spoke to me because of what I’ve felt recently as an uphill climb toward finding a relationship. First, I’ve been socialized in the rituals of straight sexuality. I didn’t buy into them for myself, but I did end up with a peer group that is almost exclusively straight and cis. So while I see friends all around me meeting people, hooking up with people, being introduced to friends of friends, I feel kind of left out.
At some point in college, my high school friends and I constructed a ‘sex map.’ I think we used dotted lines for making out or hooking up, and solid lines for sex.
I was the lone dot.
Continue reading 'Sex, please!'»
As of this weekend, I’m on the dating market for the first time in almost four years.*
Continue reading 'The terrifying market'»