Category: humor

Goodbye everyone, I’m moving to Kenya

By , November 23, 2015 3:48 pm

Just received the following email, subject “Transgender lover”

Hi Becky,
My name is Kumtu and I am from Kenya.It has been a deep wish for me to meet a transgender for companionship which could lead to something more serious.

I am straight  but wouldn’t mind if we could share photos just to see how beautiful you are and get to know you as well.

Kindly get back to me regardless of your interest,I’ll still appreciate.Thanks.

Regards,
Kumtu

Clearly, I’ve been swept off my feet and will be taking Kumtu up on his generous offer.

Or, y’know, not…

If you’re not excited about the new Star Wars movie, you can’t be trusted as an ally to trans people

By , October 20, 2015 4:48 pm

As I hope you know, the trailer for Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens was released last night. Tickets went on sale, selling out and/or crashing servers all over the place. And I’m going to take a stand that I know we’ve all been thinking about, even if most of us haven’t been brave enough to say it: If you’re not excited about the new Star Wars, you can’t be trusted as an ally to trans people.

It’s pretty simple, really. Star Wars – the movie phenomenon launched in 1977 with the release of Episode IV: A New Hope – perfectly mirrors the rans experience. Allow me to  break it down:

Luke Skygenderidentitywalker

Luke Skygenderidentitywalker

Luke Skywalker is Gender Identity. Awkward, often disliked, unreasonably whiney. Doesn’t come into its own until the third act, after losing some body parts and building a new ‘lightsaber.’

Princess Leia is Gender Expression. Captured by the Evil Empire and forced to give up critical information when her planet is in crisis. Just like gender expression.

Han Solo is Confidence. This should be self explanatory.

Darth "Internalized Transphobia" Vader

Darth “Internalized Transphobia” Vader

Darth Vader is Internalized Transphobia. Led to hatred by someone pretending to be a supportive parent-figure, Darth “Internalized Transphobia” Vader is ultimately able to say that he is the only one in charge of his identity. And then he throws Transphobia down a giant pit.

The Emperor is Transphobia. Pushing his minion, Darth Vader, to do Transphobia’s bidding…whether he wants to or not.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is, I don’t know, Support Structures? Shut up, it makes sense.

HERE WE GO!
Continue reading 'If you’re not excited about the new Star Wars movie, you can’t be trusted as an ally to trans people'»

The Night Before Christmas (a trans poem)

By , December 20, 2014 12:35 pm

This past week I performed at a fundraiser for TransTech, an awesome Chicago-based nonprofit supporting trans folks. Here’s the piece I performed.

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Chicago
Everyone tried to stay warm, and to avoid the snow
Facebook and Tumblr were updated with care
In hopes that chosen family would stay close and near

Trans folk were decked out in mighty fine threads
While visions of rainbows danced in their heads
This one wore sparkles, that one was quite fab
We knew that no one would be looking drab

But out on the street there arose such a sound
I hit pause on Netflix to see what was around
Away to the window I peered out at night’s glory
Wondering how did this Jew end up in a Christmas story? Continue reading 'The Night Before Christmas (a trans poem)'»

Philly Trans Health Conference drinking game

By , July 10, 2014 3:52 pm

This is a modified version of the performance piece I debuted at PTHC 2014’s Blender performance evening.

The Philadelphia Trans Health Conference is always a blast: Seeing old friends, meeting new ones, attending workshops, going out to party late into the night… There are tons of reasons we all come back year after year, and why – according to a recent #PTHC tweet – Philly Trans Health has grown from ~130 attendees in its first year to over 3,000 this year.

But, for all the fantastic opportunities Philly Trans Health provides – opportunities to learn, to socialize, to grow as activists and educators and allies – I think it’s missing something big. Something important. Something we could all benefit from. And so I present to you, the 2014 Blender audience, the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference drinking game. I can’t imagine this is a complete list, and I encourage you to add your own rules.

In the meantime, here’s what I’ve come up with, by myself and with friends. Lets start off easy:

  • Have some apple juice in honor of all the amazing and adorable baby queers and translings you see wandering around the conference.
  • Take a refined sip of wine for every asymmetrical haircut you spot.
  • Enjoy a drink of your choice for every person you meet who you’d like to bang.
  • Take an extra drink if you’ve already banged them.
  • Finish your drink if you think you’ve banged them, but can’t quite remember… (What did you do at the after party last year, anyway?)
  • Take an extra sip for every packet of lube, condom grab bag, or female condom you took from a display table. Bonus drinks if you know how to use the female condom correctly, and finish your drink if you winced when I called it a “female” condom instead of a “receptive” condom.
  • Take a shot of Jamison for the first Pride tattoo you spot, with a sip for every one thereafter.
  • Take a drink of cheap wine every time you spot the following phrases:
    • Self care
    • Intersectionality
    • Trigger warning
    • Overlapping systems of oppression
  • Treat yourself to a shot of espresso for every 8:45AM workshop you said you were gonna make, but slept through.
  • Speaking of sleep and your hotel room, and a jigger of Kaluah to your espresso for every person in your hotel room above and beyond what you told the front desk when you checked in.

Continue reading 'Philly Trans Health Conference drinking game'»

The cold journey north

By , March 16, 2014 7:43 pm

I’m currently in Harrisonburg, VA where the National Weather Service said to expect up to ten inches of snow. I’ve read a lot of loquacious fantasy in the last week, which made me want to try my own hand at a different writing style.

With a clunk, the baggage carousel began to move, vomiting luggage from its depths as if  from the belly of a great sick beast. I stood, slowly, judging those who pushed and shoved to get closest to the carousel. “Carousel,” I thought, “a word only used for a children’s ride and for a dispensary of worldly goods flown across continents.” I approached the snaking black surface, coiling around the claim area as if writhing with indigestion. Surrounding me were others from the plane: men, women, a small child; people on their way home or away from home; people returning or fleeing. My bag was easily identifiable by a red bandana tied around the top-most handle. I slung it off the curling carousel and walked out the door.

It was starting to snow, or rain, or sleet, or a combination of all three, as I walked to the rental car counter. At larger airports the different companies might have been spread across multiple lots, each bristling with car after SUV after van. Here, though, all the companies were crowded into a single parking structure as if huddling for warmth against the approaching storm. “I’ve reserved a Nisan Versa,” I told the woman behind the counter. She nodded, handing me the keys and sending me on my way. Continue reading 'The cold journey north'»

Big Vagina and the conspiracies THEY don’t want you to know about

By , March 3, 2014 1:43 pm

Note: This is the current draft of a piece I performed at Patrick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis this past weekend.

The toilet paper lobby is in cahoots with Big Vagina.

I don’t mean “big vagina” as in “vaginas that are large.” I mean Big Vagina, as in capital B-Big, capital V-Vagina. As in Big Tobacco, Big Coal, Big Pharmaceutical. As in Conglomerates. Cartels. Cabals. Other… intimidating words that start with a hard-C sound. Shady backroom dealings, where mustachioed billionaires smoke cigars and discuss the course of international events. And lemme tell you, the toilet paper lobby has Big Vagina all sewn up!

That’s an unpleasant visual… I apologize.

But I know about their secret dealings because I am a recent initiate into the world of having a vagina. I possess something of an outsider’s perspective. See, I used to have a penis. For most of my life I had one, actually. But then, on December 10, 2013, a day foretold in prophecy, I stood naked atop the highest peaks and called upon otherworldly powers to make right a cosmic injustice.

Or maybe I simply went to a surgeon in Philadelphia and had some awesome fantasies while high on morphine.

But either way, my outie became an innie and I gained secret knowledge that Big Vagina doesn’t want you to have. Like Big Vagina’s relationship with the toilet paper lobby.

Let me tell you how peeing works when you have a penis: You stand in front of a toilet or urinal, you unzip, you aim, you shake, and you zip. You might wash your hands, but you probably won’t. Because – if done correctly – peeing from a penis does not get urine all over the fucking place. Continue reading 'Big Vagina and the conspiracies THEY don’t want you to know about'»

The 12 Days of Post-Op

By , January 6, 2014 8:06 pm

Sorry that this is being posted a little later than is seasonally appropriate, but I’ve been busy healing! I also tried to broadly keep the rhythm, but offer no apologies for when I failed.

On the first day of post-op my doctor gave to me:
Instructions not to move a degree

On the second day of post-op my Doctor gave to me:
Two heavy drugs
And instructions not to move a degree

On the third day of post-op my doctor gave to me
Three calls from friends
Two heavy drugs
And instructions not to move a degree Continue reading 'The 12 Days of Post-Op'»

Your gender reassignment surgery will not be covered

By , June 24, 2012 4:34 pm

Set to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, with apologies to Disney, Julie Andrews, et al.

Your gender reassignment surgery will not be covered
Even though Illinois has trans protection like few others
Good luck getting funding for those twenty thousand dollars
Your gender reassignment surgery will not be covered

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay!

Because I was afraid to speak up when I was a lad
My parents didn’t realize I was trans, oh I was sad
And now that I am older, doing research on my own
Insurance sends this message, sends it via mail, fax, and phone
(OH!)

Continue reading 'Your gender reassignment surgery will not be covered'»

I really transitioned because…

By , January 30, 2012 1:48 pm

With help from the peanut gallery. This is a mix of FTM, MTF, and general silliness, so don’t try to overthinkg ’em. Feel free to suggest more in the comments!

I really transitioned to get into bars for free, without having to pay cover.

I really transitioned because I heard there weren’t enough women in science, and I wanted to do my part.

I really transitioned so I could drink sweet pink drinks at bars without being judged.

I really transitioned because when I paint my toes pink, I want to be a boy with pink toenails!

I really transitioned so I could wear tight pants all the time without looking like a member of an 80’s rock band.

I really transitioned because I wanted to save on car insurance.

I really transitioned because the clothes are *way* better (so i still wear BDUs and t-shirts most of the time)

I really transitioned because I was born on Stonewall Day.

Cocks of Love – Swapping Body Parts for the Trans Community

By , January 26, 2012 10:52 am

Welcome to Cocks of Love

Thank you for joining the Cocks of Love team! Through your contribution of time and energy, we are able to offer our award-winning service to transgender and transsexual (trans) clients around the globe. In this time of economic downturn, our services are more important than ever.

What we Do

Cocks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides body parts to financially disadvantaged trans individuals suffering from misaligned physical development for any reason. We meet a unique need for trans clients by using donated body parts to create the highest quality replacement body components

Our mission is to provide a sense of self, confidence, and normalcy to transgender and transsexual individuals by providing proper body parts for physical completeness. Our clients receive body parts free of charge or on a sliding scale, based on needs.

Our Process

Take two hypothetical clients: John and Jane. John is a trans man. He has breasts, a vagina, and reproductive organs he will not be using. Jane is a trans woman. She has body hair, muscle mass, and a penis she will not using. Cocks of Love allows us to match John and Jane and provide expert medical care for the safe and lasting swap of unwanted body parts. John ends up with the cock he’s always wanted, and Jane sports her new breasts with pride.

Continue reading 'Cocks of Love – Swapping Body Parts for the Trans Community'»

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