I haven’t posted about dreams in a while. (Over 18 months, actually.) But I was talking with some friends recently, and the topic of dreaming in languages came up. Some of my friends are fluent in French, and they were discussing how and when your thought process and dreams switch from English to French when living in a French-speaking country. It made me think back to visiting a (native English speaker) friend in Paris and waking up from a nightmare. She turned to me and began speaking in French, which confused the hell out of me.
It also made me think, more broadly, about how we see ourselves in dreams. I remember a gradual shift over my transition, of presenting male in dreams to presenting male but being unhappy about it to presenting as female but ‘knowing’ I’m trans in the dream to, these days, either being trans in the dream or ‘simply’ being female.
It’s been interesting, exciting, and occasionally stressful.
Continue reading 'Gendered dreams'»
The first night of tech for Trans Form was last night, and I’m kind of a mess.
(For those of you who aren’t theatre people, tech refers to technical rehearsals, where lights/sound/etc are set. It comes before dress rehearsals and/or previews, the final rehearsals before a show opens.)
The show is going fine, although I’m planning to head out of work early tonight and finish up some sound and video work. And yet, I’m really scared about it opening on Friday. Not simply stressing out, but scared. And, after thinking about what parts of the show terrify me, I realized I’m not just dealing with stage fright (although there’s some of that) but with some deeper internalized transphobia.
Continue reading 'Internalized transphobia'»
Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Particularly a shame because I got to bed early-ish, and was hoping for a good 8.5 hours of sleep…
My first nightmare was set at some sort of bar or club – dim lighting, lots of people drinking, that sort of thing. I was performing burlesque. which is enough of a nightmare that the dream didn’t need to go any further… I was on some sort of couch on a raised platform, facing the rest of the bar.
I began taking off clothing, article by article, and the crowd was going wild. I could feel a charge from the crowd, from their enjoyment of my body. I was putting myself on display, and I was enjoying it.
But as I got down to just underwear (topless, but doing my burlesque best not to show everything) I started to hear upset murmurings from the crowd. It dawned on me that I was in underwear that made it obvious I was trans, so to speak. The crowd – mostly men – was angry at this deception, this offense, this outrage.
I got up from the couch in tears, covering myself with a pillow, and ran to a stairwell. A friend came to try and comfort me, but didn’t understand why I was upset and did a miserable job at calming me down, at which point I woke up.
Continue reading 'Nightmares'»
I haven’t posted about dreams in a while, but it’s been interesting seeing how my dreams have changed over the course of thr transition. I always used to hope I’d wake up with dreams of being a girl (not to mention of waking up as a girl…) but never really felt horribly gendered in my dreams. More recently, I’ve definitely had dreams about transitioning, being outed, and so on.
Last night, I dreamt I was in the hospital, recovering after having undergone SRS.
Continue reading 'Dreams of Surgery'»
Apologies for the overly-provocative title to this post, particularly in light of my last post, on violence and the expectations of violence.
In the past month or two, I’ve had three dreams where I was raped. It was very dream-like, in that I didn’t have the actual experience or memory of the actual rape. I just woke up in a state of panic at 3AM, with the knowledge that I’d been raped.
Looking at an online dream dictionary yields the following:
To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.
Continue reading 'Rape'»
I’m in a play, and we’re in rehearsals. The space is sort of like a mirror image of the Workshop (which is a description I’m sure makes sense to no one but myself). I’m acting in a women’s role – I think I’m someone’s girlfriend – and I’m pretty excited about it.
Living in my old apartment (but different – it’s on a steeper incline, for one thing). I run into some friends from highschool – J and someone else? – while I’m parking. I’m going to meet people at the hospital. My building has a courtyard.
Number Two (just a transcript)
Language class at McD. Processing receipts. Mark.
Number Three (just a transcript)
Intern/low-level employee at a law firm. I’m a woman. I’m assigned to a case about a yyho(?) (The first dream I can remember where I’m not a man or trans in the dream.)
Number Four (just a transcript)
“Don’t do it.” Captured(?) Supposed to give in.
This dream moves back and forth from watching a weird dream-version of Jaws on a TV and being in the dream. We’re in a huge multi-level house on an iceberg. Jaws (the shark) is able to crawl (somehow…) and comes into the hosue, chasing everyone around. I finally wake up when he’s about to get to me, up aflight of stairs and in a room with a TV.
Lots of hallways. Most of my friends have already been in court, but I’m on my way right now. I see a sign posted, saying that J’s trial is over and she was aquitted.
I’m on a beach. It’s one of the few dreams I’ve had where I was conscious of being trans in the dream. I was worried about being outed, but enjoying being “one of the girls.”
I’m hiking with my mom along a mountain path. There’s a small stream. I ask about a hill to the side and she says it’s to climb in case of flooding. I look back along the path and, sure enough, there’s a straight-out-of-a-movie wave of water coming down the now-swollen stream. I run to get up the hill, but my mom is swept away. I’m suddenly running through the pouring rain down the street of my first house, running inside to get my dad. I’m ten or eleven, but my parents have already gotten divorced. I throw myself into his arms, crying, and can feel glasses (which I don’t wear in real life) pressing into my forehead.
I’m in some sort of science fiction universe. I’ve been captured by the ‘bad guys’ and tortured. The ‘good guys’ break in and rescue me. A young child asks if I gave in to the torture and I reply, “I tried so hard not to, but if they want you to, you will.”
I’m on a train with a lot of people about my age. We’re going camping(?) deep in the woods. We arrive at some sort of old, wooden, rundown holding station(?). I don’t think anyone likes me much, I think because I’m trans. Time skips ahead, and I’m being held in the arms of some of the girls, sobbing, because I’ve been raped. They try to comfort me. I wake up, but am still actually sleeping and in another dream.
My vote is “You’re really stressed!”
Dream the First
Only dim memories – this is mostly straight transcription.
G in France; I don’t want to go back to the states.
Visiting fly back, meet at back of ET (I don’t know what this means, though I remember thinking it was a smart abbreviation when I wrote it down…)
Want to stay
Dream the Second
I’m walking around in Paris with a friend and we come upon a baby carrier stuck in a tree with a crying baby. We take the carrier down and begin to walk with it, and sit down to eat at a restaurant. When the waiter comes, we put the carrier on the table, but now it’s a LightBright.
Dream the Third
This was almost a cliche of thinking I’d woken up but then really still being in a dream…
I was having scary dreams, but then was OK because I woke up and G was there. Then G and I were in a bathtub (one of those nonsensical dream transitions) when she started cutting or poking me with safety pins. I remember vividly the blood in the water and the splotches of bright red.