I am so very sorry

By , January 16, 2012 12:34 pm

After reading about surgery exclusions and Girl Scout Laws and bigotry and narrowmindedness and the like, I realized I feel some amount of obligation to apologize for my body. For being trans. For having a penis and breasts. So I’ll do that now. Get it out of the way and off my chest, so to speak.

On behalf of myself, and on behalf of all non-normatively-gendered individuals, I apologize. I am sorry for being confusing. For being scary. For being strange. For being icky. I am sorry for raising awkward questions about what female and male means. I am sorry for not fitting into one box or the other. I’m sorry for questioning the need for boxes at all. I’m sorry for androgyny and ambiguity and flexibility and spectra and rainbows of infinite possibilities.

I’m sorry for my body. I’m sorry for having breasts that are the result of orally-taken hormones and not of gonadally produced hormones. For having skin that is smooth due to those hormones and thousands of dollars of hair removal. I’m sorry for having a penis between my legs, being able to pee standing up, being an outie instead of an innie. I’m sorry shopping is such a chore, that I can’t wear those yoga pants or that ever-so-cute dress without tucking my cock up between my legs and securing it with medical tape, I’m sorry my boobs are nice and perky because they came in at 23 instead of 13. I’m sorry for my physical strength, something I’ll always doubt it’s from working out and assume it was from the testosterone coursing through my system for twenty-plus years. I’m sorry for my wide shoulders, my big feet, my hairy toes. I’m sorry for my occasionally ambiguous voice, for still occasionally getting “sir”ed on the phone, for causing double-takes. 

I’m sorry for being a sexual person. For enjoying to fuck and be fucked. In my mouth, between my legs, up my ass. For bending partners over and being bent over. I’m sorry that the sex is better than it ever was before transitioning, that my moans might keep you up at night, that the drawer next to my bed is filled with lube and vibrators and straps and butt-plugs. I’m sorry that I know my sexual topography better than you will ever know yours, because I’ve been forced to explore mine, blessed to explore mine, like a brave adventurer entering a strange new land. I’m sorry that my nipples grow like my cock grows like my need grows until it makes me want to scream and orgasms wreak my body until I vibrate like a tuning fork. I’m sorry for turning you on, making you wet, making you hard, for confusing your sense of sexuality and your sense of your self. I’m sorry you have to “figure some things out,” that you “aren’t sure what this means,” that you’ve “never been with someone like me before.”

I’m sorry for being so insistent. For refusing to use the private, single-stall bathroom and demanding to use the women’s room. For making a stink about names and pronouns. For calling you out when you get it wrong, over and over and over again. For being a voice of frustration and angst and depression.

I’m sorry for being so angry. For letting it boil and bubble and spill out of my mouth and onto the page and the stage and into my voice and through my spine. For standing tall and walking down the street. I’m sorry for my bitter tone, my condescending look, my frustrated sigh. I’m sorry my anger has crept up my body and through my veins and into my hair and my fingernails and my tear ducts until, like play-doh being squeezed through a tube, every pore of my body exudes my rage.

I’m sorry for wanting more. Legal protection, medical coverage, equal rights, safe bathrooms, safe jails, safe treatment from police and teachers and students and peers and strangers on the street. I’m sorry that I won’t step back, step aside, step down. I’m sorry, but that isn’t enough, it’s not good enough, I don’t see your point, I can’t compromise. I’m sorry that I’m tired (exhausted, really) of explaining at great length to you what seems so obvious to me.

I’m sorry, but I lied. I’m not sorry at all.

8 Responses to “I am so very sorry”

  1. Rhonda says:

    No need to be sorry. I’d fuck you. 😉

  2. Harriet says:

    Beautifully written. I wouldn’t be sorry either, if I were you. I think you have a lot to be proud of, and I don’t think challenging people and the ideals they hold is a bad thing.

  3. Katherine says:

    This is one of the best articles I’ve read all day. Can I use your examples to defend trans individuals from transbigotry (I am not trans myself)? Because I’d love a way to shut up bigots.

  4. Sunatic says:

    There is a “share” button, so I assume it’s okay if I share this on Faebook? 🙂

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