A counterpoint to the good gender education posted earlier. Feedback is certainly welcome. This will be delivered as stereotypically ‘gym teacher’ as possible.
Listen up, everyone! The politicians in Washington think we aren’t doing a good enough job teaching you all what it means to be real women. Dunno if you’ve been following the news lately. The whole No Gender Left Behind Act nonsense has lotsa people up in arms, but it just seems good sense to me. Girls should be taught how to be ladies, and boys how to be gentlemen. That’s how it was when I was your age.
Like they always do, those same politicians decided your physical education curriculum would be the best place for this new knowledge. I’m no fancy man in a suite in Washington, but I think gym class should be about a good hustle. Be that as it may, this next week we’ll be having some ‘gender education’ lessons at the top of every class.
Who can tell me what it means to be a boy?
(Audience participation. The correct answer is ‘To have a penis.’ The audience is either right or wrong, but either way…)
Being a boy means you have a penis. That’s all there is to it.
Who can tell me what it means to be a girl?
That’s right. Girls have vaginas.
And how do the people around you know if you’re a boy or a girl?
No, Susan, don’t go around showing boys your vagina. That means you’re a slut. People know you’re a boy if you act like a boy, dammit. They’ll know you’re a girl if you act like one.
Boys and girls are just different! According to the National Association for Single Sex Public Education, boys like the following:
- Things that are dangerous
- Things that are loud and lively
- Constant movement
- Authority figures
- Virus outbreaks
Girls don’t like those things! They like:
- Heterosexual relationships
- Being emotional
That’s science, and you can’t argue with science.
From now on, we’ll be dividing the class into boys and girls. Boys will be learning football, basketball, and soccer. Girls will be learning badminton, volleyball, and cheering. We’ll also be grading not only on how hard you try, but on how you look doing it. No more weaving and dodging in football, gentlemen: if you’re not getting hurt, you’re not playing right. And, ladies, I expect you to care just as much about how your hair looks playing the game as you do about the game’s score.
So get back to it! Boys, fifty laps. And no complaining! Men don’t complain, they drink! Girls, lets get some makeup on. And no complaining! Women don’t complain, they develop eating disorders!