I’ve been really bad about posting lately, which usually means I’m avoiding writing about something. I’ve been trying to figure out what, though.
I’m still not used to ‘the transition’ being something that’s more in the past than the future. I’m not sure I’m “done,” whatever that would mean, but I’m forced to admit that I’m more transitioned than not. Which is weird for me, in a really unexpected way, because I’m so used to having “The Transition” as something in the future, something to plan for, an over-arching goal in my life. And now that I’m slowly moving past it, I’m struck with the unsettling experience of not knowing what comes next.
I’m having trouble getting out of the mindset that my body isn’t good enough, and needs to be improved. (I mean, in a larger ‘transition’-type way, bigger than simply losing some weight or whatever.) How do other women deal with that? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pining over not being curvy enough, booby enough, thin enough, instead of focusing on the curves and boobs and body I do have. When someone at a bar says, “Wow, do you work out?” I want to be able to take the compliment and smile instead of feeling like my muscles make me ‘too male.’
Being an educator, an authority on trans issues, a role model, is also something that’s still new for me. I’ve been doing more workshops with high school and college students, which has been really enjoyable, but also somehow makes me uncomfortable. Why wouldn’t I follow my own advice, ten years ago? Who am I – who still often feels weak and scared and unsure – to be called “brave” for how I’m living my life? I feel like I still have one foot stuck in the past, instead of firmly looking to the future. Instead of focusing on making up for lost time, or living the rest of my life, I get pulled into regret for what I feel like I missed.
I haven’t found many resources for this experience, even though my therapist tells me it’s not uncommon. Most trans narratives end after “The Transition,” with a “Happily Ever After.” Websites I’ve found on transitioning, being trans, living as a trans woman, don’t talk about getting over the regret of not transitioning earlier, moving past the (universally female) experience of not feeling pretty enough.
Anyone have some advice?