A periodic gap

By , October 7, 2010 2:30 am

Of course, the other reason I might feel uncomfortable talking about PMSing is because having a period is a sign of a woman’s fertility. That my friends’ incredulous jokes about trans women who intentionally regulate their hormonal cycles – induce the hormonal effect of menstruation – cause my own laughter to ring falsely.

Those women intentionally do what few “real” women would choose to so they can feel a bit closer to the anatomy they’ll never have. They do it so they can feel a bit closer to the birthright that was denied to them. They do it so they can forget, just for a moment, how different they are from those “real” women.

“But why would you want to have a period?”

Because not having one is a gap in my existence as a woman. It’s the other side of the coin which caused me to store sperm, and to receive a yearly bill reminding me of that disconnect between desire and reality. Because, as foolish as it sounds to most women, I’m jealous of my roommates need for tampons and IUDs and gyno appointments.

I didn’t grow up dreaming of my perfect wedding dress. I never played house, imagining myself as the mommy. I’m still trying to construct and come to terms with my womanhood.

But I’ll never give birth. Will I hate my child for coming from frozen sperm I never wished to be able to produce? Resent a baby stemming from adoption or IVF for resulting from what I’m not able to?

When do I get to stop feeling like being trans breaks more than it fixes?

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