A Craigslist adventure

By , July 4, 2010 3:53 pm

Happy Fourth! This has nothing to do with the 4th of July, but enjoy!

In a fit of frustration, I posted this to Craigslist a few nights ago, right before I went to bed:

SUBJECT: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?

BODY: What the hell does a trans woman have to do to get laid around here? Or even just go on a date with a nice gal who isn’t crazy? I’m pretty confident that I’ll get some obnoxious replies to this, but what else is new?

Maybe I’ve spent too much time in the performing arts community (lots of gay guys, sadly fewer gay girls) but I’m sick and tired of A) seeing all my friends have these seemingly delightful little hookups and flings while I stand on the side, alone, and B) seeing all of these attractive, articulate, interesting women when there’s no possibility they’ll sleep with me! Or even date me. Or make out drunkenly in a hut tub.

And I’m sorry I’m trans. I really am. My dick has given me many pleasurable orgasms over the years, but it’s definitely not the equipment I’d have picked if given the choice. And surgery is scary, expensive, and means I might never be able to orgasm again. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!) So I get that while, politically and ideologically, we should be able to “see beyond what’s between our legs,” that’s asking for a lot back here in reality. So I’m not offended if my being trans means you, the one reading this post, is not interested in dating me. I understand that we’re all attracted to who we’re attracted to. (I will be offended if you’re a douche about it, though.) But I begin to feel like there’s a vast queer woman conspiracy out to keep me celibate when I strike out again and again and again.

I want to know how you have time for all that conspiring. Must not be getting a lot of sleep, making evil plans and plots.

So why am I posting this, instead of going to bed? Because I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed in what has – thus far – been a lack of dating prospects. I’m horny as all hell, and jealous of all my stupid friends with their stupid relationships and stupid hookups.

So there.

(I’m usually not this bitter. It’s just been a long week and I needed to vent. I am actually looking for cool people to date/hang out with/hook up with/ride me with a strap-on/this just went to a weird place/I’m going to pretend I didn’t say those last few things/look a grumpy puppy!
A grumpy puppy

I was expecting to get either no responses, or a few obnoxious responses about how trans women aren’t “really” women and should stay out of the W4W section. Instead, I received:

  • Five requests for a date, a few of which I think I’ll actually respond to
  • Four requests for coffee or just to hang out, likewise with a few of which I think I’ll actually respond to
  • Three propositions for sex, including one from a husband and wife who decided including graphic pictures of them having sex was appropriate
  • Two emails just with encouragement or well-wishings
  • One email with a question about why I transitioned if I’d have an easier time finding women as a man (which got a suitably snarky response)
  • One email which said I should have just “stayed a man” (which got ignored)

But a much better response rate than I expected! Stay tuned for more Adventures in Craigslist!

20 Responses to “A Craigslist adventure”

  1. Jonah says:

    No replies from fellow trans women?
    If I were a lesbian (which is very very far from my own self) I think I would reply to this ad. It’s articulate, funny, and gives the impression that you’re being really honest about who you are.

    • Rebecca says:

      Sorry, I was unclear. A few of the emails (encouragements and requests for coffee) were from trans women and men. And thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. :)

  2. Joe says:

    I have a question out of curiosity. I know it’s different for everyone, but for you, are you more attracted to women physically or … personality-wise? I’m trying not to subscribe to the gender-binary, but I can’t think of a way of phrasing it. I guess: say if there’s a MTF, or someone who is unsure of his gender, but still presents as male. I’m not trying to be one of those douche-bags who ask all these crazy “what if” scenarios and please let me know/feel free to ignore me if I’m crossing a line here, I am just genuinely curious.

    Also, been following your blog for a bit and I think it’s pretty awesome!

    • Rebecca says:

      Hia Joe! Glad to have you around.

      are you more attracted to women physically or … personality-wise

      Well, I’m definitely attracted to women physically. As I’ve discussed before, I think I could find being with a guy hot, but if a man and a woman are walking down the street toward me, I’ll check the woman out first.

      Concerning personalities, what’s a male versus a female personality? (I’m being intentionally difficult. What’s a male versus a female physicality, for that matter?)

      I’d say I do find emotional communication or connection and non-confrontational debate or disagreement to be attractive. Both of those are more commonly found in traditionally “female” personalities. That said, I have learned that I find being physically/sexually dominated to be a huge turn-on, too. That’s traditionally a heterosexual (male/female) sexual dynamic, but isn’t inherently one. In my case, that’s been a bit complicated because I am on the larger-and-stronger end of the average female figure. I’m not complaining that I’m in shape, it just means I’ll need some extra-strong rope (or an extra strong woman) to hold me down. ;)

      . I guess: say if there’s a MTF, or someone who is unsure of his gender, but still presents as male.

      Ahh. I answered the question I thought you were asking, but it sounds like you’re actually asking something different. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’d react in that situation. I’d like to say I could see beyond their gender presentation, but I don’t know how true that is. I’d obviously respect the gender identity (and name, and pronouns) they expressed, but attraction does have a lot to do with presentation. So that’s my way of dancing around “An answer of I don’t think so, even though I’m disappointed in myself for that realization.” Does that make sense?

      • Joe says:

        I don’t know how to do the quotes thing :p

        “Concerning personalities, what’s a male versus a female personality? (I’m being intentionally difficult. What’s a male versus a female physicality, for that matter?)”

        Yeah, without subscribing to heteronormative values, it’s not really possible to describe (or at least very difficult). But your reply addresses what I was trying to get at. I feel we have similar tastes, we should compare notes :p

        “So that’s my way of dancing around “An answer of I don’t think so, even though I’m disappointed in myself for that realization.” Does that make sense?”

        It makes a lot of sense and I don’t think you should be disappointed at yourself. I mean, people are attracted to who their attracted to, they can’t help it. And we’re all shallow to a degree :p

    • Mym says:

      Sorry to butt in, but please, don’t use ‘MTF’. Use ‘trans woman’ if it’s absolutely necessary, but if it isn’t, please just use ‘woman’. MTF just emphasizes the male, it says that someone’s not a ‘real’ woman because the doctor said “it’s a boy!” when she was born.

      As for your question… I am genderfluid, but I am still stuck spending most of my time passing as cisgender male because I’m not out everywhere (…at work), and a huge part of presenting as male is the Act, to the point where even when I’m not being forced into the boy-box I’m not sure what is still the Act and what is actually me. I think in most cases the personality-wise lady will be suppressed as long as she’s still presenting as male.

      • Rebecca says:

        Sorry to butt in, but please, don’t use ‘MTF’. Use ‘trans woman’ if it’s absolutely necessary, but if it isn’t, please just use ‘woman’. MTF just emphasizes the male, it says that someone’s not a ‘real’ woman because the doctor said “it’s a boy!” when she was born.

        Well-said, even though it’s a point I sometimes (like now) forget.

        • Mym says:

          It’d been bothering me for a while before this post over at Questioning Transphobia really articulated why… I’m glad to know, now, and be able to tell people why it’s uncomfortable.

          I also totally stole the “doctor said” construction from someone at Genderqueer Chicago last week, but I don’t remember eir name.

          • Joe says:

            Sorry! I read that post too actually, I’ll try to be more … aware? in the future.

            “As for your question… I am genderfluid, but I am still stuck spending most of my time passing as cisgender male because I’m not out everywhere (…at work), and a huge part of presenting as male is the Act, to the point where even when I’m not being forced into the boy-box I’m not sure what is still the Act and what is actually me. I think in most cases the personality-wise lady will be suppressed as long as she’s still presenting as male.”

            I get where you’re coming from and it makes sense.

  3. piny says:

    Yay for complaining, then. And congratulations on the romantic possibilities.

  4. irena says:

    I’m a straight woman, but can relate to feeling unable to make connections with prospective partners, until I too turned to Craigslist to find my socially awkward other half. I hope it works out for you too! Best of luck! (Followed here from Feministe’s shameless self-promotion.)

  5. Jadey says:

    Hiya, followed you here from the promotion post. I just wanted to also offer a hearty “bonne chance!” to you. :) I think your post was adorable and I’m glad that I’m not the only one who did. Have fun!

  6. Silvas says:

    If it weren’t for my complete and utter social awkwardness, I would totally follow your lead (or respond, if that were even remotely practical). Except that even thinking about it makes my heart race a little.

    Good luck! I hope you have some good dates as result.

    (And yes, hi. I’ve been lurking a bit since a post I commented on a while ago. Err. Hi. Did I mention social awkwardness? I think I will go back to lurking now.)

    • Rebecca says:

      I’ll lure you out of lurking yet ;)

      • Silvas says:

        I think you just have because I need to apologise for commenting without realising this post is not really recent anymore. D: I am usually a week behind on the rest on the internet, though, so I’m not really surprised.

        I am thoroughly embarrassed, though.

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