I’ve started looking for a new job. This was an extremely hard decision for me to come to, as there are lots of things I like about my current job: I’m working in the arts, I really like my immediate coworkers, it’s a pretty laid-back office environment, I have some nice perks (like free classes), and I’m damn good at it. But the drawbacks have started to feel like they outweigh the positives. Namely, my bosses and the fact that I’ve been there since before transitioning, and feel trapped in that history of my pre-transition self.
Today, though, I’m going to try and start thinking about looking for a new job as an opportunity to look for something, rather than run away from something.
This has been a slow realization all week, culminating with yesterday and today. Last night, while crying to my roommate, I realized I was only thinking about leaving. Leaving my job, leaving my obnoxious bosses, leaving my pre-transition memories, leaving, leaving, leaving. I wanted – for once in my life – to feel like I was traveling toward something. Then, today, I found a job listing for 25-30 flexible hours a week doing support work at a web design firm. That seemed like a really good place to use a wide variety of my skills while giving me more time to focus on writing and performing. (We’ll pretend for a moment the money would be perfect.)
For the first time in quite some time, I felt like I might be able to look forward to something, rather than back away from something.
After talking with my therapist tonight, I don’t think I’m going to completely write off my current job, as I have been. But I’m going to try and frame it in that same way: can I modify the job – my responsibilities, the way I interact with my bosses, the way I think about myself in it, whatever – to feel like I’d be looking forward to this revision, rather than just running away from what I don’t like? I don’t know what the answer is. I may end up deciding that, yes, I want to explore a new opportunity. But I’m going to try really hard to frame what I’m doing as looking ahead, rather than looking back.