Rewriting history

By , February 27, 2010 6:06 am

One of the things I’ve been thinking about, as I figure out a way to focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past, is what moments I feel I ‘missed out’ on. There is a whole lifetime of experiences I feel like I’ve missed, but I’m hoping I can find a few specific moments to explore through performance. And, by doing so, and really exploring these moments to their height, I’m hoping to find some sense of resolution about having ‘missed out’ and be able to start looking forward.

Here’s the list I have so far. My rule for myself is I have to put down anything I feel like I missed out on by not growing up and being socialized as a girl, no matter how silly or inconsequential my adult mind thinks it is. I don’t think I’ll explore all of these things on stage, but I’d like to at least try and see where things go, and what feels the most raw (and thus the most important).

  • Playing with dolls
  • Playing dress-up
  • Having slumber parties
  • Having a Bat Mitzvah
  • Learning how to put on makeup (this is a big one, and one I just need to sit down and practice)
  • Horrible, awkward, clothing shopping with my mom
  • Going to awkward middle school dances in a pretty dress (or even in an ugly dress)
  • Going to prom in a pretty dress

How ’bout it, gang? What pivotal moments of girlhood or growing up female need to go on this list? As I said, my entire goal is to be as ridiculous and indulgent as possible. There are parts of me that feel like my regret is silly, that I should be happy about who I am now, not regret who I wasn’t. And, consciously, I think that’s true. I just can’t get myself to really believe it, in my core. But if I can flood myself with things I ‘missed,’ maybe I can realize I didn’t miss anything – that who I am today just fine.

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