I had another doctor’s appointment today, as a followup to the one I had a few weeks ago. He said I should stick with the Lexapro (now on week two) and he opened my chakras again.
We also talked for a while about regret and how to look forward.
I explained to him how I’ve been feeling like I’m wallowing in regret. That I’m consciously aware of how good I do have it, but still can’t get over this fantasy that things would be better had I transitioned earlier or not had to transition at all. (By which I meant ‘had been born female.’ Don’t worry.) I know it’s futile, and I know it’s harmful, but I can’t get out out of it. He responded that I need to find a way to look forward, not backward; regret over what’s passed can consume you. (Tell me something I don’t know…)
On the train ride home, I was rereading some essays from Yes Means Yes and one in particular struck home. From Sex Worth Fighting For:
I remained preoccupied by fears that something “truly” bad would happen, and often imagined gang rape and murder that would finish me off for good. It would probably be committed by boys who didn’t plan to go that far but felt like trying out their power on somebody who seemed like an easy target. This scenario felt so possible to me as to be the likely next step in my life.
That really resonated with me, because I have been feeling something of survivors guilt over not having suffered more harassment or assault than I have. Rather than count myself lucky – though I do that, too – I see myself as unfairly privileged, and of simply waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to have the shit kicked out of me or worse.
The author of Sex Worth Fighting For continues in her essay, saying that what finally made things click and feel like she was taking an active response to her fears was a self-defense class. I’ve thought about that before, but I’m trying to fit it in context now with my experiences this past weekend at laser tag and pole dancing.
I’m wondering if taking a self-defense course, of explicitly taking action that says, “Yes, I’m potentially vulnerable, but I’m going to do something about it,” might make me feel less stressed about (say) taking the risk of being sensual or exhibiting a more femme side in public, and even in private.
Have any of you taken any self-defense courses? What were your experiences with them?