Trying on swimsuits all by my lonesome.
That in and of itself deserves a larger post sometime soon, but I also wanted to mention before it slips my mind that I was at the Target my roommate brought up a while back. I saw a woman who I would, indeed, read as trans . And although I hated myself the second I did it, my first reaction was thinking, “Oh, that’s who my roommate meant.” I hated myself for thinking that because I don’t want others to think that way about myself. And, as a larger issue, because I still have a lot of internalized transphobia.
When I started writing this post, my first draft included “I saw a woman who I would, indeed, read as trans (although very pretty)” (italics are what was removed). I subconciously or unconciously felt I needed to soften my reading of her by calling attention to the positive aspects of her appearance, as if being read as trans was inherently a negative. That reading her as trans was the same as saying “Oh, no, you can hardly see the stain,” because the point is you can see the stain and everyone knows the stain is bad.
I don’t know how to get out of this mindset. I would love any thoughts or suggestions, becuase I think it’s ultimately a very self-destructive place to be.
And I’m not even sure where I want to be when thinking about gender. Should I have simply taken in her appearance as part of her and and not leapt to ‘trans’? Should I have still acknowledged that she appeared to be trans but not placed a value judgement on that? Should I not be trying to assign gender to people I see in the first place? I don’t know. All of those mindsets also seem to have some problem associated with them.