Apologies for the overly-provocative title to this post, particularly in light of my last post, on violence and the expectations of violence.
In the past month or two, I’ve had three dreams where I was raped. It was very dream-like, in that I didn’t have the actual experience or memory of the actual rape. I just woke up in a state of panic at 3AM, with the knowledge that I’d been raped.
Looking at an online dream dictionary yields the following:
To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.
I think that analysis does go hand-in-hand with my last post, in that the transition is requiring me to put myself out there in a way that makes me feel very vulnurable. And I think that, honestly, I’m still thinking of myself in this weird in-between gender state, rather than specifically ‘male’ or ‘female,’ but I’m certainly feeling furstrated (dunno about ‘vengeful’) at the idea of gender in the first place…
So I don’t know. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I think I’ll bring this up. I sort of had a ‘calm in the ‘eye of the storm’ moment a week or two ago, and I feel like I’m back in the thick of feeling shitty…