So I’m apparently a liar

By , August 30, 2008 6:17 pm

I saw a few people were viewing this blog via searching for Whateley Academy fiction and reading the post I wrote about what trans-related fiction I was going to keep and what I was going to toss. Looking over the authors I noted, I first want to apologize if any of them are viewing the blog and seeing I chose to toss their work. (Eek!) I certainly hope that’s not the case.

I also think I was unfair to some of their work and/or its effect on me. I realized when looking over that post that I reread a lot of the things I said I was going to ‘toss.’ I think part of that has to do with my feeling worse due to hormone levels – when I’m feeling like I’m ‘backsliding’ with the transition there’s more of a desire to access a fictional world of someone who (by choice or not) moving forward with a transition. I think I’ve already touched on why that’s been true for me in the past, and think those same reasons hold true now.

Hopefully the hormones will be going back up in a few weeks and I’ll feel less of a desire to read some of the stuff I mentioned, but I also want to go back through and note a few places I was just wrong – where the fiction was better than I was (in my somewhat down mood) giving it credit.

-R

Oh Daily Show

By , August 27, 2008 6:06 pm

From last night’s episode, on Michelle’s speech and news agencies saying she has to ‘prove her patriotism”:

“She’s a Democrat. Of course she has to prove she loves America. Unlike Republicans, who everyone knows loves America, they just hate half the people in it.”

Well put!

-R

New blog links

By , August 27, 2008 4:42 pm

I’ve done some major blogroll updates (importing all the blogs I read through Google Reader) and thought I’d highlight a few:

Woo! I’ll try and go through and plug some more later.

-R

G’s Return, Hair Removal

By , August 27, 2008 4:10 pm

First, a slight expansion on G being back:

It’s great.

It didn’t magically remove all of my concerns about being in a not-long-distance relationship, or of having to relearn what it means to be in the same place. But I’m feeling much less stressed about it than I have in months, and much more confident that things are going to be OK. (Not that I was every ‘really’ worried, but I sure as hell was stressed.)

She has a friend in town from camp, which I think is good – first, it gives her lots to do, and second, it normalizes being back a bit by not having to go straight from speaking 99% French and being surrounded by people she’s worked with all summer to being around people speaking 100% English and not understanding the culture shock of coming from backwoods MN to the Big City. I’m also just getting a big kick out of seeing the two of them interact and joke in French. (Even if a good 99% of it goes over my head…)

As for hair removal, I signed a sheet of paper yesterday committing me to paying $4,400 for six sessions covering my arms, chest/tummy, and legs over the next year.

Oh my, that’s a lot of money.

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G is back!

By , August 26, 2008 5:12 pm

Picked her up from the bus station last night! Wahoo!

Of Moms and Molehills

By , August 24, 2008 9:44 pm

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’ve kind of had a tense relationship with my mom this summer. I think it’s a combination of the hormones and living together for the first time in a year, but knowing its source isn’t super-helpful when neither can be addressed for another couple weeks. Booo.

My mom has been meeting with a group of parents of trans children (I believe all mothers, but I could be wrong) which seems to have been really helpful for her processing my transitioning. However, one mom – the organizer and sort of glue of the group – is a very ‘out’ mom, in that she’s not shy about talking about her ‘trans son’ regardless of whether or not its strictly relevant. (In all fairness, this is the impression I’ve gotten from my mom, as I haven’t actually met this woman.)

(For background, I believe it’s the same woman who, when she and her husband and my parents went out to dinner, prompted my dad to be somewhat blunt. He said that she was talking about her ‘trans son this’ and ‘trans son that’ and he (my dad) said that it’s great she’s so embracing of her son, but would she talk about her ‘adopted son this’ and ‘adopted son that’ if it wasn’t actually related? Now, I wasn’t there and know I have a lot of issues with my dad right now, but I tend to side with him on this one: I certainly hope to live my life as an out and proud trans woman, but also don’t want my status as trans to be viewed as my key identifying feature or trait.)

My mom recently gave me a copy of a letter this woman sent out to her friends and family, talking about her son’s transition. It is basically a coming out letter, but written from the mom’s perspective and for those in the mom’s life. My mom has said she’s interested in doing something similar, and I’ve pointedly avoided talking about it with her because it makes me really uncomfortable.

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100th Post!

By , August 24, 2008 9:15 pm

Wow! I realize that five months and one hundred posts might not actually be a huge accomplishment, but this blog is by far the longest I’ve kept at a jounral/blog/diary/etc. It’s been really helpful for processing my thoughts and what’s been going on in my life (both transitioning-related and unrelated) and I hope it’ll continue to be as helpful into the future.

Thanks to everyone who reads and comments (though I think I can count all my readers on both hands!) and hope y’all keep coming back.

-R

More tiring that expected

By , August 21, 2008 12:31 pm

Whoo! I just took the silks and spanish webs over to the laundromat to clean and hung them in the gym to dry. My gods, hauling wet fabric up 18 feet is exhausting.

-R

Rule of Three

By , August 20, 2008 5:18 pm

Storytellers are are often bound by the ‘rule of three.’ That is, the ear enjoys hearing groups of three, whether it’s in common sayings (see: “ready, set, go!”), story events repeated three times (see: the three little pigs), or lists of things (see: this sentence). The Ares and Aphrodite Myth I’m writing elsewhere on this site is openly using the mythology of the story as a metaphor for my own situation, and I’m not trying to pretend otherwise. But I also do want it to be a good story, and I just realized that I have some potentially convenient ‘threes’ in my life that might help.

The two big threes I’m looking at right now are my tongue-in-cheeck ‘three puberties’ (in Puberty = Chicken Pox) and, more helpful for the story I’m creating, three therapists (I went through two lousy therapists before my current – awesome and amazing – therapist.) I don’t think I can help myself from using that as a repeated story event: the main character goes to one person (inevitably going to be a witch or sooth-sayer or whatnot) who can’t help, a second who can’t help, and a third who is finally able to help.

Hmm…. I know I also need to write more personal narrative….

-R

Argh!

By , August 20, 2008 12:31 am

I know it’s the hormones and I still feel like shit. If anyone out there was trying to figure out what a sourless, soul-crushing sadness felt like but just couldn’t quite get it down, consider asking for my help, as apparently that’s what I’m good at right now.

And everyone is obviously right – a month or two more of shit is, in the grand scheme of things, worth putting my mind at ease for the rest of my life. I am aware that (the rest of my life) > (two months).

But knowing that doesn’t stop me from feeling like nothing is worth doing and I shouldn’t bother going to bed because tomorrow is just going to be miserable anyway.

-R

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