I was at another program at the BYC last night and had an odd realization. As I said before, I think many of the group members come from a very different background than I do. But last night I was thinking (as I so often do…) about confidence and its source. I realized that I don’t have problems writing my resume or selling myself for a job or finding employment or a living situation or health insurance (well, at least as long as COBRA lasts), where so many of the other group members – these other trans women – do have those problems. And yet, I’m still having panic attacks about makeup and clothing and appearance where so many of the other group members don’t seem to be.
I don’t have any deep insight about the situation, but the contrast struck me, so I thought I’d share. And, of course, the followup thought: which type of confidence is more desireable? Would I rather be in the situation I’m in right now, struggling with confidence about who I am, or their situation, sturggling about how I’m going to pay the bills?